For many people, especially as we get older, Christmas can bring up far more than festive cheer. It can stir memories, emotions, and physical sensations that seem to arrive without warning. You may notice a sense of heaviness when thinking about family gatherings, a quiet reluctance to attend certain events, or a feeling of tension in your body that doesn’t quite have words.
Thoughts such as “I don’t really want to go” or “I’m not looking forward to this” often come with guilt or self-judgment. We tell ourselves we should feel grateful, we should enjoy this time, or that it’s silly to feel this way after all these years.
But these responses are not failures of character. They are signals from a nervous system that has lived a long life and remembers more than we consciously recall. The body holds experiences from decades past, conversations, conflicts, moments of feeling unseen or unsafe and it responds to familiar situations accordingly.
Resistance Is Often a Protective Response
From an Internal Family Systems (IFS) perspective, what we experience as resistance is often a part of us trying to protect us. This part developed its role during earlier years when family gatherings may have felt emotionally demanding, unpredictable, or painful. It learned to stay alert, to brace, or to pull away as a way of keeping you safe.
This is not a part that needs to be silenced or pushed aside. In fact, the more we try to override it with logic or obligation, the louder it often becomes.
A gentler approach is to slow down and acknowledge what is present. You might pause, take a breath, and quietly say inside: “I can see that you’re worried.” “I understand why this feels hard.” “I’m here with you.” Often, being acknowledged is enough to reduce the intensity of the feeling. When there is space, you might gently ask what this part is trying to prevent, without demanding an answer. Sometimes the response comes as a memory, a feeling, or simply a softening in the body.
How IFS and EMDR Work Together
Understanding our inner responses is important, but for many people it is not enough on its own. The body may continue to react as though old situations are about to repeat, even when our adult mind knows that circumstances have changed.
This is where EMDR can be especially helpful. EMDR supports the processing of old emotional memories that were never fully resolved at the time they occurred. These may include experiences of criticism, emotional neglect, family conflict, or moments where we felt powerless or alone.
When these memories are processed, the nervous system begins to recognise that the danger is no longer present. The body learns, at its own pace, that this is now, not then. As this happens, protective responses such as dread, tension, or withdrawal often lessen naturally. You may then find it easier to reassure the part of you that is struggling by gently acknowledging that you have more choice now, that you can pause, leave, or respond differently if needed.
Moving Through Christmas with Care and Choice
Being gentle with yourself does not mean avoiding family or ignoring responsibility. It means recognising what your system has lived through and responding with care rather than force.
You can hold awareness and boundaries at the same time. You can attend gatherings differently or choose not to without seeing it as a failure.
If Christmas feels complicated this year, it doesn’t mean something is wrong with you. It means your system remembers, and it is asking for reassurance rather than judgment.
Approaching this season with curiosity, compassion, and respect for your own history can create more ease than trying to push through on habit alone. Sometimes, the most healing thing we can do is to listen to the part of us that learned long ago how to survive and let it know it doesn’t have to carry the burden by itself anymore.
